You are an amazing person and have been through so much. I know that your day of feeling whole and fear losing its grip is just around the corner! Love you so much!
So many things about this essay resonated for me. I think we are very similar in how we handle trauma -- like most "doers" we have a tendency to push past hard things only to have them bubble back up through our bodies in ways that relate more to our unconscious processes. It's especially hard because it catches you off guard -- it's not like active worrying where at least you can catch yourself in it. It feels like being attacked by a ghost.
I think the hardest thing about having something completely unexpected (and bad) happen is that it tends to recalibrate one's sense of danger to be on HIGH ALERT all the time. I joked to you it's like feeling like you need to start worrying about one in a trillion rare diseases or grand pianos falling from high rise windows. But this is something people who haven't experienced this sort of thing sometimes struggle to understand -- because to them, those are just stories that happen to other people, that they can have a moment of empathy and then walk away from with a reassuring feeling that surely this could never happen to them. It's different when the thing-that-doesn't-happen suddenly happens.
It's a hard thing to have to confront this, it changes your view on life a lot. But now having some distance from my own how-the-fuck-did-this-happen stuff, I can honor how much I endured, and be proud of that. And you should be proud of yourself -- what you've been through is so hard, continues to be hard, and upended both your lives in ways big and small. Losing a sense of stability is one of the most difficult human experiences, it's what's hard about a lot of acknowledged-to-be-difficult things (divorce, death, job loss, etc). It really can't be understated the fortitude it takes to come through something like this. It leaves scars on everyone, whether they show obviously or not.
You are an amazing person and have been through so much. I know that your day of feeling whole and fear losing its grip is just around the corner! Love you so much!
I loved this and you. I’ll write a better comment later but... I just had to say that.
So many things about this essay resonated for me. I think we are very similar in how we handle trauma -- like most "doers" we have a tendency to push past hard things only to have them bubble back up through our bodies in ways that relate more to our unconscious processes. It's especially hard because it catches you off guard -- it's not like active worrying where at least you can catch yourself in it. It feels like being attacked by a ghost.
I think the hardest thing about having something completely unexpected (and bad) happen is that it tends to recalibrate one's sense of danger to be on HIGH ALERT all the time. I joked to you it's like feeling like you need to start worrying about one in a trillion rare diseases or grand pianos falling from high rise windows. But this is something people who haven't experienced this sort of thing sometimes struggle to understand -- because to them, those are just stories that happen to other people, that they can have a moment of empathy and then walk away from with a reassuring feeling that surely this could never happen to them. It's different when the thing-that-doesn't-happen suddenly happens.
It's a hard thing to have to confront this, it changes your view on life a lot. But now having some distance from my own how-the-fuck-did-this-happen stuff, I can honor how much I endured, and be proud of that. And you should be proud of yourself -- what you've been through is so hard, continues to be hard, and upended both your lives in ways big and small. Losing a sense of stability is one of the most difficult human experiences, it's what's hard about a lot of acknowledged-to-be-difficult things (divorce, death, job loss, etc). It really can't be understated the fortitude it takes to come through something like this. It leaves scars on everyone, whether they show obviously or not.